I’m sick right now and drawing seems really taxing so I’m going to tell you a story about how I was an Awful White Girl in high school
This story is about my Black Boyfriend.
My mom, bless her heart, is a racist. She doesn’t mean to be, I don’t think, or I don’t really know, but look, my mom loves me and is good to me, and I don’t want to bad mouth her on the internet. But she definitely grounded me when I had a Black Boyfriend, under the guise of concern for my safety, and different worlds never understand etc. I tried to tell her she was wrong, with lots of modern-times and tiger-woods-plays-golf and actually-his-family-is-richer-than-ours-so arguments to no avail.
Lucky for me, being grounded didn’t matter because my mom was a square and never did anything bad growing up, and she didn’t know any of the tricks. I snuck out with ease, lied and never got caught, crossed state lines on weekend sleepovers, and came home high and watched Star Trek with my dad. My dad is at least further on the autism spectrum than most people, so unless I stank, he didn’t really pick up on it. But this isn’t about hanging out with my dad while I’m blazed, it’s about my Black Boyfriend. Who I got tired of, as many 16 year old girls do with their boyfriends, after 2 weeks.
“John is a dork, ugh”
“John has an annoying laugh, I hate it”
“John doesn’t know how to make out”
“I can’t keep dating this loser, there are other, older, taller losers for me to date in this high school. Or a different high school. Yeah, I’ll be the girl that dates a guy from a different high school. Ooh, perf.”
But I couldn’t just break up with John, dear god no. This was tumultuous, and tragic, we were Romeo and Juliet. Technically, my mom forbid me from dating him, and it was really sad that we had to break up boo hoo. I’m very sad! “Ugh I would keep dating you if I could, John, but my stupid mom is so racist ugh it’s terrible I hate it well bye”
Then I dated some dirtbags, and John hated all of them and still took me to prom my senior year (secretly, shhhh), where I met another dork and decided that I was going to take his virginity to make a completely different guy jealous.
Maybe this story is actually about how I was a teenage destroyer of worlds.
I went to a drag show and some butch queen outta drag put me up on stage and sat me in a chair and tried to twerk in my face by doing a handstand between my legs but BITCH FUCKED IT UP AND FELL OVER, like a back bend that ended up with his whole body weight being pressed on my face (via his butt, *thx*), then he did it 2 more times until he got it right
Motherfucker you need to be 100% on point with your acrobatics before you involve audience members
SMH oh wait actually SMH is kinda difficult right now
Lol yeh yr students are so disrespectful huh and ugh u no it’s bc they just don’t get enough attention from their parents bc their parents are bad and poor and yr students r from ‘the hood’ ugh it’s hard I no rite
How did you get into teaching?
Like a TFA program or something, right?
So sick of hearing how gr8 diva cups are and how they changed ur life and fixed the environment and how I need 2 give it another try that thing hurts it HURTS I am in pain and it is making me so mad and I don’t want to be mad at my vagina so I am mad at EVERYTHING ELSE ugh eff u divacup, my vag is not suction cup friendly I h8 h8 h8 u
Trying to see if these ppl on Craigslist will pay me money to look at my feet?? I’m not sure what makes a foot pretty or ugly, or how hot my feet are on a scale of 1-10, but I do hope someone wants to j.o. to pics of my feet so badly that they give me ca$h for it
Pretty weird that I spent all that time in college in classrooms discussing social theory and the history of social theory and how anthropology as a field needs to address its history with racism, and somehow I still never heard about this body of work
Don’t know if you come on Craigslist at all but here is a shot I know this is a long shot… This is a long shot and I can’t believe I’m doing this I’ve never done this before but I thought I would give it a shot. Long shot. Its a long shot but why not. Sooo the chances u will ever see this is next to none but i am giving it a shot anyway Alright, I’ve been thinking about this for 3 weeks now and I figured I might as well gibe it a shot. LONG SHOT HERE! Total long shot, but if you ever wanna hang…. Long shot but what the hell A shot in the dark but hope you read this! this is a shot in the dark but, I am going to give it a shot… This is a long shot, but worth a shot I know this is a long shoot but here goes nothing. Lets give it a shot.
I’m super inspired by this article on HuffPo, Why You’re Not Married, an article explaining to women who want to get married the precise reasons why they aren’t yet. I’ve decided to redress the reasoning with my own language, to help break it down a little! So here goes:
1. Men are dumb and you scare them
Every modern woman knows that men are just complete idiots, it’s obvious from commercials, sitcoms, romcoms, and the ancient anti-wisdom of our stupid stupid forefathers. If you think you’re smart, try to act dumber so that you can catch a dumb husband and y’all can be dumb as heck together, and you can roll your eyes when he breaks the vacuum cleaner because he doesn’t know how to do anything, and he will laugh at you when you can’t figure out what’s wrong with the car because you also don’t know how to do anything.
2. Why won’t you just settle already
Quit caring so much. You want to get married, so you just need to find someone who also wants to do that. Desperately seek out fellow desperation without regard to anything else. You don’t find them attractive? You don’t have a lot of common interests? You disagree with them on some fundamental level that you can’t see yourself reconciling with? Shut up. They want to get married and so do you, so get over yourself.
3. Biologically, you can’t enjoy sex unless there are wedding bells
The original article breaks this into two reasons, but it’s just one: There are brain chemicals that make you really attached to anyone you have sex with or breastfeed, so don’t bang or breastfeed a lot of people, because it will make you crazy when you don’t get to marry them.
4. Quit thinking about yourself, you vain bitch
So basically, the thing about single people is that they are thinking about themselves all the time. You need to stop. If you can’t make yourself stop on your own, get a baby so that you have to think about that thing some of the time. This will prepare you for the manbaby which, as discussed in 1, is what you’re going to get. Don’t tell any potential husbands that you got a baby to prepare yourself for marriage, this smart plan might scare them.
5. Man up
Men understand marriage because they hate it, they’d rather just be banging anything and everything, messing up a billion ladies’ brain chemicals with their crazy ding dongs. Women have been huffing Cinderella stories since the age of 5, so we don’t understand how much it’s going to suck. You’re going to have to do LAUNDRY and COOK and you’re going to have to do it all alone because your hubby is gonna be BUSY making fart noises with his armpits and doing impressions of Peter Griffin. We all have our jobs in a marriage, and after all you love each other. And one day you’re going to sit down on the couch with him and watch one of those dysfunctional family sitcoms and you’re going to laugh and then you’re going to cry and cry and cry and scare the crap out of your idiot husband.
6. You live in a crummy place
Maybe you bypassed all this hetero-normative bullshit by just being gay*. That’s an easy way to avoid it! Unfortunately people are pissed, so they’re not going to let you get married. Until you can establish distinctive trope-ish ways that same sex couples disrespect the heck out of each other and make each other miserable, the straight powers that be ain’t having it. Step it up, Autostraddle.
*and not into the butch/femme scene, I should mention. admittedly i know nothing about the butch/femme dynamic, but I imagine that the sharp distinction in gender expression allows for the replication of some hetero-normative P R O B L E M S.
I read this, and I imagine, “what will the reaction be??” and I think that the most likely outcome will be an (even more) insensitive total rebranding of yoga. If I’m right, I’d like to contribute this list of potential names (Entrepreneurs, take note!!):
Stretchin’ 4 Heaven White Folks Crackin’ Their Back Yo-Bo Asian Fusion Gymnastics Lite Hold That Pose! (Combo Yoga/Improv) People Rolling Around Into Zion(PRAIZ) Adult Contemporary Mat Sit